Insane in The Membrane

Fucked over? Or just a new beginning......

2010-07-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

So Jason and I both lost our jobs on the same day. Fucked up day in my book. I gave them two years and they gave me a thumb up the ass. Almost literally. But I am seeing things a little clearer a day later. This is a new start for Jason and I. Me in particualar. Since this is the first time I have been fired from a job. I have to say that I felt a little desolate and scared. Well alot actually. We have enough money for a few months but I plan on having another job before August is over. Way before that. I guess we will see

Life Altering Truths (Talk Thursday)

2009-11-15T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not gay.
I'm not pregnant.
And I don't have a life threatening cancer or sickness.

My abuela does have number three on that list. Her and my abuelo just celebrated their fiftieth year together. Can anyone really comprehend 50 years with the same person until you are celebrating it yourself? It was a fantastic party in honor of their love. We ate drank and danced as if tomorrow wasn't coming.
A few months prior to that she found a lump inside her stomach and it wasn't allowing her to eat. She went to the doctor and they scheduled an exploratory surgery. Already a teeny lady, she dropped fifty some pounds and became practically nonexistent. She's still so beautiful to me though. Her soft skin, her perfect white hair, and her smell. I could stand with my nose to her neck for days.
The surgery day came and went and we found out that it is cancer. My grandpa seems lost, and for the first time in my short life I can't seem to talk to my grandma. I don't know what the outcome of this is going to be, but all that I know is that she HAS to be there to kiss me on my wedding day, and to hold my brand new babies when I have them. They both have to be there together.
Te amo abuela.

Mea Culpa (Talk Thursday)

2009-11-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

I was walking with my mother through Bi Mart one day.
We were on this isle that was stocked full with bottles of liquid to shoot at my mother. I grabbed the first bottle within my reach, and got ready to douse her. I pulled the pump and nothing came out. I kept on pumping the handle not even realizing that the contents inside were pressurizing.
I turned the shooter straight towards my face, and then realized that I had to turn the nozzle to open it. The second I turned the nozzle, my poison of choice sprayed right into my eyes. I hollered to my mother who was five feet away, and calmly set the bottle back on the shelf. Eyes foaming ,with god knows what, I turned to her and she started yelling.
Thats when all hell broke loose and I was dragged every which way to get my eyes rinsed out. We called the ER, and they said to come in. I was checked in immediatley and taken back to a bed. My eyes had already been rinsed out for twenty minutes so I didn't know how much more I could take! They laid me down and put these funny little suction cups all around my eyes. Inside and out.
For thirty minutes I had a panic attack while they rinsed my eyes out with a saline solution. I could see light, but nothing else. No shadows. It was a very strange feeling being that vulnerable in a strange place.
My poison was Round Up.
My age: 16.

Going.... Going...... Gone.

2009-11-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I am headed off to Redmond for the weekend.
I am so excited! It is going to be alot of fun. Fun and games and drinking. I haven't gotten to go away for the weekend in quite a while. I don't really feel like writing right now. So I am going to say goodbye until monday. See yah!
End.

Those days.

2009-11-04T10:36:00.000-08:00

Another birthday and another year are fading by and almost gone. Mateo (my fifteen year old cockapoo) is only going to be with us for one more christmas. He is such a part of our family that it is going to be hard to say goodbye. But that event has yet to come and pass so I will enjoy the time we have left with him.
Stephanie is turning 19 in two weeks, and I am turning 21 in four weeks. WOWOWOW. I know 21 is very young, but technically it is time for my body to start having babies. Technically. That isn't going to happen for many years though. Well three or so =) I am no longer a young adult. I am an adult in the terms of todays society. Ugh. I don't want to be a grownup! I hate having to pay bills, and put gas in my car, and go to work. It all gets so monotonous. Those were the days when you would wake up in a bed so warm and safe feeling as if the whole world could come crashing down, but mommy and daddy would make sure you were all right.
Those were the days.
When you would go outside to play in the summer, enormous AstroPop in hand, ready to take on the world. Or maybe just the huge field across the street from your house. When your biggest worry was that your three year old sister was going to learn to ride a bike before you. When your next biggest worry was that your kitty Rusty couldn't come in, and you couldn't watch Homeward Bound because you wouldn't eat your corn and ham. Then slowly you begin to grow. And being an inncocent naive child doesn't exist anymore. You learn about hate, lust, pain (true pain), and greed. Those things never existed, and then suddenly you are aware of them in your little world.
You have to start exercising the keep your body in shape. Your hair starts getting greasy, pimples pop up, and boys suddenly become more and more appealing. The confusion starts. That is when that little world that you used to wake up to doesn't exist any longer. You still have that sense of security in your parents and family, but things are awkward for a while until you figure yourself out. I'm 21, and I still don't know who Korin is. Finding your niche in this world is the scariest, most amazing roller coaster ride you will ever take. I hate it, yet I have never had so much fun in my whole life! Everyday is a struggle for me to take command of my emotions and learn to control them. Therefore, everyday is a new learning experience. That is ok with me.
As Marie Antoniette said "Let them eat cake."

Scullery maid day.

2009-11-03T12:41:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a wild hair and completely cleaned, and gutted my room. I even went as far as to rearrange the fucking thing and it looks gorgeous. I had a wierd dream last night that we got kicked out of our house and had to take all of our stuff with us. Well all of the stuff that we could carry. And then things got really wierd. Anyways.
Right now I am doing laundry, and washing every single item of clothing that I own. Then I get to go and talk to my boss with my mother. Fuck. Fuck. I get to tell Marg all about what has been going on with me. Why I yelled at her, and have been having an attitude. And my mom has been going into Moma Bear mode where my work has been concerned lately. So she told me that she is coming with me no questions asked. I love her so much.
Enough about my silly work drama. I am halfway to go going to Germany. I can't wait to go. Torben tells me that I probably wont like it. The people at least. I have a feeling that I am going to love the country itself though. I am beginning to feel like Korin again. Slowly but surely. I was talking to Jason about it last night. She is beginning to resurface. I was so lost in this mess of being crazy and self destructive. What people don't get is that I'm not into lots of sex and one night stands. I don't like to spend tons of money. And I DO NOT like not being friends with my parents and sister. Those were things that ended up defining me for a year or so. And who that person is, well all that matters is that she is packing her shit and leaving for good.
I'm not saying that it isn't going to be hard, but I am fighting this. Warring is a better word. I'm singing again. At the top of my lungs.

End.

Wierd night. Jumbled thoughts.

2009-11-01T00:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight the gouls and goblins come out to play. Well technically yesterday they did. Anyways, working in the Emergency Room on Halloween isn't all that it is cracked up to be. Not one bit. It was darn boring all night long. And it still is.
I had another dream about Torben last night. That one made me downright sad. It makes me sad to think about it. He looked so handsome. Ummm.... Today I am getting the tattoo on my bum finished or almost finished! I am not excited about how much it is going to hurt though. Then I get to come right back to work. Woopee! Right now I am eating this amazing caramel apple with peanuts all over it..... It is quite frankly an orgasm in my mouth. I can't wait till Friday when I get to go to Bend. That is going to be fantastic! I will be staying with Jim and Vicky (who have known me since I was 2) and I love their house.
I guess tonight is Torben night. I probably shouldn't write so publicly about something so personal to me, but I kind of feel a need to.
How can you love someone so much when you have only met them twice in your life? I met him and I just 'knew' him. It was so wierd. We started talking and he made my heart pound and yet I'd never been so comfortable with anyone in my life. I was seventeen years old for crying out loud! Over the two weeks that he was here that first time we spent alot of time together. He left and I cried like a baby. Its not like me to cry over someone that I just meet. It takes a while before the waterworks happen. And then one night he is just sitting in my kitchen like no time had passed at all. And my world rocked upside down and then sideways.
Seeing him there I knew I love him. Really love him. And it made so much sense yet was so ridiculous I could laugh. Even speaking of it out loud makes me seem like a crazy girl. So I don't speak of it. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me want to be a better person. And best of all, he doesn't feel the same way. We are entire worlds apart and he is in love with someone else. OOOo weee that hurts. Shes so lucky. Im sure she knows it.
Hes back home now. The way that I cried when he left you would have thought that he was dying or something. But I just couldn't help it. Ugh!!!! I could go on and on and on about everything. But I shouldn't. This is a public site after all =)

Tonight seems as if it is never going to end. They turned the clocks back and I am here for an extra hour. Yuck. Well my sentence is almost up. Tengo buen dia.

A glimmer of hope for humanity.

2009-10-25T05:13:00.000-07:00

The most fantastic thing just happened.
One of our frequent flyers, whom we shall call fluffy, just came in to chit chat. We got to talking and I spoke with her about my desire to attend a midwifery school. She told me that she was proud of me, and she doesn't even know me! She is a lovable batty woman.... Anyways, we got to having a fantastic conversation, and she walked away after a while.
Then she walks up and hands be this beat up boquet made of lavender, and a rosebud. She says that she wants to me to love and relieve her of this burden. It made me so happy to accept this simple gift from her. Elaine (my coworker) said that she has never seen fluffy act so sweet, and has never seen her give anyone a gift before.
My theory is that maybe no one has ever taken the time to talk to fluffy. Maybe no one here has ever acted as if what she had to say was important, or made her feel like she belonged. She really did have some great things to say.

Good day missy

2009-10-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day. Work is going just fine, and my day was just fine. And that is the best that I can ask for right now in the state that my mind is in. It was just a good normal day. Nothing bad happened, and nothing truly extraordinary happened either for that matter. It was a good day.
I have had babies on my mind alot lately. Alot. I want to have one, but who would be the dad? That would be stupid on my part just to get pregnant because I want a baby. I held a five month old baby boy today, and he is so beautiful. His name is Silveno, and he is a little hispanic baby. I know that if I were to have a baby this young it wouldn't help me at all. But babies ARE NOT the end of the world. I could fight with people about this all day long.
Ugh. Work. End.

Say hey! La Tortura! Hips! Bulls.

2009-10-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

Rocking out to Michael Franti's new song in a pair of undies, and a bunch of bare tattoos. What could be better? Going to the coast tomorrow is going to be a great time. Steph and I are going to hit up Depoe Bay and the Sea Hag. Hopefully we see some damn whales! It is officially day three in my quest to eat healthier. Salads, apples, and lots of grapes. MMMMMmmmmm.
I fuckin love grapes. They make you poop tho.
Still missing Torben in a way only some could understand. But that is a story for another day as Jaci would say. Yesterday was a hard day. Both mentally and in real life. Super hard day. I won't elaborate tho.
My father is a large child that they decided throw back into the education system so that he could learn how to be a fully functioning adult. Ever tried doing homework with a stubborn fourty eight year old man? Pure torture. Put me on the rack instead. Now we have shifted to Shakira. Still the same vibe, but even better. I can sing in spanish, but when am I going to break down and just start speaking it? Switching gears again. Jake Owen "the eight second ride". Dear lord this is a good song. Well I am going to see what kind of trouble I can get into right now.

Why play with Demons?

2009-10-18T17:48:00.000-07:00

Last evening I went and saw the new film "Paranormal State". Quite frankly, I will never watch that movie again in my life. Its about this young woman who is tormented by a demon. It messes with her at night while she is sleeping, and I have never seen such a real horror film in my life. The movie is based on a real story of a couple that lived in San Diego. There was no Hollywood to this one at all. It was the little things that were terrifying. The opening and closing of a door, footsteps on the stairs, a light flicking on and off on its own.
I had a hard time sleeping last evening. Everytime I would start to drift off I would throw my eyes wide open. That pattern repeated itself until four am when I passed out completley exhausted. Ghosts are one thing, but demons are something that shouldn't be messed with. Ever. That is my view on that whole thing. Part 2 on this little tirade will come later.
End.

WTF!?!?!?

2009-10-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

This is how I feel.

Now I need to ask myself: Why am I sitting at home alone eating cold mexican food at ten pm on a friday night? Nothing to do you ask? No. I even went on a date this evening that ended at nine fourty pm. On the dot. He bought the tickets, opened doors, blah blah blah..... He even listens to his music way too loud, drives to fast, and oh, his car happens to be a black mustang. Shit! The irony of this story is....... That I am totally not attracted to him romantically or sexually! The guy is an absolute hunk too. Me, Brain dead? Totally.

Now tonight I am going to fall asleep in front of the television, and smoke one too many cigs even though I have a raging chest cough/infection. Because I fucking feel like it. Hoping that someone would at least call me back and take up my offer to see Paranormal State. The newest of the 'so scary you'll shit yourself crowd'. But no. My best friend declined my request to tag along with her and her girlfriend, and everyone is miraculously MIA from their phones this evening.

You know something is wrong with your social life when no one calls you back on a Friday fucking night. Now this whole blog is on big pitty party and I am enjoying the hell out of my self pity session. Take it or leave it ladies and gents.

Purely Nuts.

2009-10-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

I wake up, I eat, I work, I sleep.
Now times this by about six and you get the daily pattern of my life. It is one big clusterfuck of nothing in particular. My joys are singing, eating great food, and possibly getting some new ink. And dancing. Oh man do I love to dance. Latin and bellydancing are my favorites. I finally turn 21 on December fifth! That is going to be a great night. The party that I am going to have will be alot of fun with good people.
My parents don't get when I tell them that I feel psycho sometimes. Not literally pyscho. That is just the perfect word to describe what happens in my brain. When a doctor tells you "your a manic bi-polar", what the fuck do you say to that? I simply stared and nodded my head like a mindless idiot. Inside I was going crazy. I was thinking "wow. More medication. More of the your a terribly smart girl, but something is wrong with your brain. Here, take another pill"
And then the doctor tells my mom that the mentality of someone who is bi polar is that they don't want to take medication. Of course I don't want to! What if I need them for the rest of my life? I don't even want to contemplate that.
Yet again I am working. I am looking forward to going to the corn maze tonight with Ryan and his friends. It will be a good time. I am going to bust out the rubber boots! Woop woop.
End.